Imagine setting a high bar for yourself, but instead of enjoying your achievements, you feel only anxiety and disappointment. Perhaps it’s toxic perfectionism—striving for perfection turns into a trap.
When your expectations become unrealistic and a deviation from your standards looks like the end of the world, this manifests toxic perfectionism. You stop seeing perfection as a direction and start thinking that the ideal is the goal that needs to be achieved.
This perfectionism is usually focused on its owner but can also affect those who communicate with him. If you refuse to accept your shortcomings and flaws in pursuing perfection, other people “must” meet your high standards. As a result, toxic perfectionism makes maintaining relationships in your personal and professional life difficult.
4 signs that you might have fallen into his trap
1. You’re criticizing yourself and others
Toxic perfectionism makes you criticize everything and everyone. You strive for perfection and are often unhappy with your results, so you start berating yourself and calling yourself a loser. Your mindset becomes so negative that you can’t remember the last time you celebrated your successes or rejoiced at a victory.
Even worse, toxic perfectionism makes you criticize others for what they want and don’t. If they don’t meet your standards, act in their own way, or express opinions that differ from yours, they immediately begin to “deserve” your condemnation. Visit. A F R I N I K.C O M .For the full article. The problem is that people can’t always be the way you want them to be or match your ideas about them.
Criticizing their actions can get you into a lot of trouble. Many people will likely turn away from you, take your words with hostility, and respond to you with rudeness, and to some extent, they will be correct. Dealing with an overly critical person is like listening to a radio station that broadcasts insults.
2. You need other people’s approval
Dependence on others’ approval can indicate low self-esteem and a tendency toward toxic perfectionism. It can develop into impostor syndrome and the need for constant confirmation. This translates into overworking or striving for global, but not always realistic, achievements or procrastination.
3. You are very much afraid of failure
First, you set almost impossible goals, then exhaust yourself trying to achieve them. The fear of failure makes you work to the limit of your abilities, but stress only increases your chances of failure. As a result, you earn yourself burnout, not money or success.
4. You live by the principle of “deal or failure”
For you, there is no concept of “normal” — only “perfect” or “terrible.” Even if you’re doing well objectively, you could have done better. You forbid yourself to rest, lower the bar, or be proud of small victories. But perfection is a mirage: the closer you get to it, the more visible the flaws are.
How to get rid of toxic perfectionism
You’ve already realized that your perfectionism is more harmful than helpful. This is an important step! Now, you need to change your mindset and habits gradually. Here are the working strategies.
Learn to notice and stop toxic thoughts
Phrases like “I have to make it perfect” and “You can’t make mistakes” are your main enemies. Replace them with softer ones, such as “I’ll try, but it won’t be a disaster if it’s not perfect” or “The mistake is part of the process, not the end of the world.” Also, when you feel perfectionism coming, write down a few things: what are you demanding from yourself now? Is it realistic that the worst thing will happen if you don’t achieve the “ideal”? Try understanding the causes of toxic perfectionism and refuting your thoughts if your goals go beyond reason.
Lower the bar consciously
Start small: establish the principle of “good enough” for yourself. Choose a minor task, such as cleaning, a social media post, or a draft letter, and deliberately make it less than perfect. Watch: Has the world collapsed? This means that you can also give yourself breaks on more important matters. It is equally important to train yourself to set realistic deadlines. Instead of “I’ll do everything perfectly, no matter how long it takes,” put a clear time frame. For example, make a presentation in three hours and do the cleaning in an hour.
Work with the fear of mistakes
Create a “failure diary” to overcome the fear of failure. Write down the situations where you made a mistake, and analyze your experience and whether everything was as scary as you thought. For example, you might have been late with a project, which made the client unhappy, but you still managed to find a compromise.
Now, you know how to set deadlines better. Also, if you find yourself striving for the ideal again because of the fear of failure, ask yourself: What happens if I fail? More often than not, it turns out that the consequences are surmountable, and the catastrophe exists only in your head.
Learn to relax without feeling guilty
Enter a “time for imperfection”—consciously allow yourself to do nothing for 20-30 minutes daily. It is necessary to realize and accustom yourself to the fact that rest is not laziness but part of productivity. Sometimes, I leave things unfinished intentionally, for example, making the bed imperfectly when I’m late. This trains the acceptance of imperfection.
Review your standards
Compare yourself not with the ideal but with yourself in the past. Instead of striving to be perfect, think about whether you are better than you were six months ago and what successes (even small ones) you have already achieved. Also, learn to separate “me” and “my achievements.” You are not just your results. Try telling yourself a straightforward phrase every morning. “Even if I haven’t achieved my goal, I’m still valuable.”
Ask for help
Share your feelings with your loved ones and learn to ask for help. Tell a friend, “Sometimes, I’m too hard on myself. Remind me if I’m winding myself up again.” You can also consult a psychologist if perfectionism causes anxiety or depression, you can’t relax for years, or it destroys your relationship.
