When we break up with a partner, we analyze a lot to understand what happened and draw some conclusions. Such experiences are necessary not to repeat past mistakes, grow, and move on. We have put together some lessons that relationships can teach us.
8 lessons learned from failed relationships
1. Emotional baggage gets in the way of a new relationship
Emotional baggage based on our experiences often creates failures in future relationships. It causes mistrust, emotional dependency, insecurity, and suspicion. Because of unlived past traumatic events, we tend to feel fear. We fear that something similar will happen to us in the present. So we sabotage the new relationship ourselves.
It’s important to deal with our traumas and give ourselves enough time before getting into a new relationship so that they are healthy and last for a long time.
2. You have to give yourself space in the relationship
Many strong relationships fail because one partner wants to be with the other 24 hours a day. Some people think that a couple should really do that.
However, personal space is important in a relationship to pursue a favorite hobby, to be able to be alone with oneself, or simply to take a break from one’s partner. If it is lacking, we feel like we are “suffocating” in the relationship, and we emotionally drift away from the people we love.
Therefore, it is important to maintain a balance of time that you and your partner spend together and have the opportunity to be apart from each other. It’s also important to know how to set boundaries in a relationship.
3. You develop patience, calmness, and resilience
Relationships also teach you how to manage your emotions better. If your spouse is irritable, you must learn to be calm, tolerant, and resilient to deal with the situation.
If you’re a hothead, you’ll learn to regulate your emotions and take a breather before scolding, shouting, or being violent and aggressive with your spouse.
The time spent in a broken relationship, in any case, was not squandered. You’ve mastered regulating your temper, mood, and emotions, which is an important life skill.
4. It is important to be able to talk to each other
Lack of clarity and failure to talk to your partner can ruin any relationship. If we keep our grievances quiet and cannot find common ground and solve problems, any clash of views leads to a major quarrel.
It is possible to reach a compromise in a relationship if we talk to each other. Otherwise, resentments and disagreements accumulate and lead to breakups. Let’s stipulate that compromise must be a two-way process. When only one partner always sacrifices something for the benefit of the other, the relationship cannot be called healthy.
5. We cannot change the other person
The partner will not change, even if we want to, and are committed to helping him or her. It won’t work unless he is willing to change. You can spend years trying to make him a better person, motivate him to break bad habits, deal with difficult personalities, and waste a lot of time on a pointless exercise.
It’s important to learn that there is no such thing as a perfect person. In a relationship, we have to determine how well-suited a partner is by weighing their strengths and weaknesses and whether we can accept his habits and outlook on life.
6. We need to look for solutions, not the culprits of the problems
Many of us tend to blame our partner for the causes of our quarrels and disagreements rather than looking for solutions to problems. But unfortunately, this destroys the relationship.
When we blame the other person, we may become angry or feel justified for our mistakes and misdeeds. However, to build a strong relationship, we need to find solutions to disagreements and problems, not the culprits. Otherwise, you and your partner will end up with nothing but resentment towards each other and the remembrance of past mistakes.
7. Happiness doesn’t depend on relationships
Some people enter into relationships to feel happy. They believe that they will feel joy or elation if they find the right partner. This is far from the case. A relationship will not make us happy if we don’t know how to be happy on our own.
Also, making the other person the cause of your feelings and putting that responsibility on them is rather immature. Just like trying to be responsible for what your partner is feeling or taking over their emotions to be closer to them.
8. The desire to control kills the relationship
The desire to control your partner comes from mistrust or our personality traits, for example, low self-esteem, a desire to manipulate, get what we want, or “bind” our partner to us. We may be controlling unconsciously, without bad intentions, but it is detrimental to our relationship even then.
A person who wants to control a partner may feel even more insecure over time. And the person who is controlled experiences emotional claustrophobia. He finds it hard to be in a relationship where he doesn’t have to have his own opinion and abide by the rules laid out by the other person.
Eventually, such relationships turn out to be toxic and end in breakups. So it is essential to be able to relax and work on your desire for control, not only in a relationship but also in life.