A very ambiguous phenomenon is jealousy. Novels, popular articles, and scientific studies have been written about it, people sing about it, talk with friends and cry alone.
It is believed that jealousy is related to love, but how? – That is the question.
On the one hand, jealousy is a natural feeling. As natural as fear, pain, anger. This means – we have a right to this feeling. The worst thing is when a woman blames herself for the emotions that have arisen, is ashamed of her jealousy, and falls into a double trap: intolerable feelings along with shame and guilt for them.
Therefore, we draw the first conclusion: if feelings have already happened, we do not press them, but we deal with the reasons.
On the other hand, is the reason for always worrying real? How to distinguish healthy from pathological jealousy, and is jealousy “normal”?
Scary facts about jealousy
- 35% of men and 28% of women are jealous.
- Jealous people live 10 years less because of constant anxiety, more often suffer from heart disease and nervous disorders. Three out of four jealous people have insomnia.
- Jealousy ranks second among the causes of marital scandals (first – quarrels over money).
- About 20% of all domestic murders are committed out of jealousy.
- 7% of all people on earth suffer from morbid jealousy. They are convinced that their partners are cheating on them, and therefore they constantly manipulate facts, misinterpret any views and phrases. The meaning of their life is to prove the infidelity of a loved one and take revenge on her or him.
Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes fear, sadness, anger, anxiety, and despair. Experiencing a feeling of jealousy, a person feels a burning sensation in the body, tension, trembling, emptiness in the stomach. There is no external expression of jealousy.
Everyone is subject to jealousy. There are no “out-of-the-line” people. When the youngest child is born, 92% of older children begin to misbehave. Even monkeys assume a depressive posture after the birth of a sibling. Jealousy is often hidden due to a negative attitude towards the “owners” who openly manifest it. And its real absence may indicate an indifferent attitude. We are not jealous of those whom we do not value.
Let’s first deal with the reasons for inadequate, unreasonable jealousy (since these are the options that make up 90% of all feel about this). Why so much? Burnt in milk, blow on the water. Having survived in childhood the traumatic experience of losing a beloved object – mothers to someone else (father, brother, sister, etc.), we become insecure and distrustful, worry for no reason, as if preparing in advance for the loss.
Inappropriate feelings of jealousy lead to:
Fear of losing a loved one and fear of loneliness
What if something happens? And if then he … Or maybe he already thinks … We are so afraid of being alone that instead of the joy of being intimate with a partner, we begin to worry and collect evidence that everything will be bad. Usually, nagging about “do you love me?” and “won’t you leave me?” provokes a partner just for these actions.
That is, we get what we were afraid of – we remain alone. The recipe is translated from the “language of fear” into the “language of needs.” Instead of “don’t go,” we learn to ask, “stay with me.”
The mechanism is extremely simple here. If we consider ourselves “bad,” no loving partner will prove to us that we are “good.” Conclusion: instead of torturing a loved one, we go to self-esteem training, work with ourselves. Suppose you are “one in a million,” you are not in danger of competitors.
A sense of ownership, a desire to control and command loved ones
When we force someone, they respond with a normal sense of resistance (check for yourself). This means that when we ask a man on the phone, “where are you” we provoke him to lie. A person will be open and relaxed next to us if he does not feel a leash around his neck and mistrust our question. Golden Rule: Respect and trust strengthen the relationship as a couple.
Often, jealousy arises from thoughts like “if I sat in a cafe for so long with a friend, then only if he was not indifferent to me as a man.” Don’t judge others by yourself. Yes, you would cheat on him on vacation. And if he is not? It’s not about the possibilities; it’s about the solution.
Check yourself, are you tempted to change yourself? And if so, is it not profitable for you to provoke your partner to do the same? And no sense of guilt …
By the way, those who believe in monogamous relationships are not as jealous as those who tend to change partners.
Unwillingness to accept family order
Some people are senseless to be jealous of. These are those who entered your partner’s life much earlier than you (parents, children from your first marriage, old friends). The law of the family system says those who entered the system earlier matter more than those who came later.
There is nothing to be done; you have to take it into account. There is also good news: each new system takes precedence over the previous one, which means that when you create your own family, you inevitably become “number 1” for your partner, old connections fade into the background, and everyone who joins later will honor and respect you.
Now about the “normal” jealousy. Do you remember how you felt when you were robbed or unexpectedly deceived? Sound familiar? The real jealousy arises when we find ourselves in a situation where our partner spends the couple’s shared resource on their personal needs, and even worse, shares it with third parties.
A feeling of jealousy arises when a partner who has gone to the side begins to spend a common resource on a new connection. And then the type of interaction (sex, conversation, smile) is not important; the second still feels that he was betrayed, that something valuable was taken away from him. If, when interacting outside of a pair, one of the partners acquires something new and brings it to his established couple, then the second, as a rule, has a sense of pride in his partner, and his self-esteem rises.
So what do you do if a resource leaves your relationship?
- Talk to your partner about the facts and feelings and get their agreement that the resource was shared.
- Agree that this is bad for your couple and you want to change it.
- Think together about “plug the hole,” look for solutions, and put the resources back in place.
- And most importantly, in couples where there is enough love and intimacy, where each other is valued and admired, the topic of jealousy is irrelevant.