7 questions to ask yourself before remarrying
Divorce can be frustrating for a long time in a relationship, but it’s not a reason to give it up forever. It’s okay to be afraid of remarriage after the first one fails. If you want to approach new family relationships consciously, you should ask yourself these questions before going to the registry office again.
Are there any doubts that hold you back?
Consider if any doubts are holding you back from answering “yes” to the marriage proposal.
For example, if you are faced with the betrayal of your ex-husband and you still feel resentment. This can harm future family life. The experience will not allow you to build 100% trusting relationships, as well as the fear that this may happen again.
Or, for example, you may feel insecure if it hasn’t been long since your divorce.
To understand the cause of your doubts and fears, you need to be honest with yourself. If it is due to negative experiences in the past, it is best to work through the trauma with a therapist. Otherwise, you will surely bring old problems into new relationships. We have already talked in more detail about why people step on the same rake in a relationship.
It is also worth talking about this with the chosen one; if he has already made you an offer – say that you need time to sort out your thoughts and feelings. If your man’s intentions are serious, he will try to help you – primarily by not insisting on marriage registration if you are not ready yet.
Why did your previous marriage end?
Analyze what led to divorce in your past relationship. You need to think about what contributed to this on your part and not blame only your ex-husband for this. Be as open and frank as possible in conversation with yourself, even if it is completely unpleasant to realize that you were in something wrong. So you will not make mistakes in the future and build new, harmonious relationships.
For example, every conflict led to a major quarrel. You immediately began to prove your case by raising your voice. The ex-husband, in turn, locked himself in another room and could not talk to you for several days. And this happened every time your interests did not coincide.
You must admit that both are to blame for this situation: you – because you did not restrain your emotions so that the conversation turned out to be productive, you did not try to calm and listen to you. For more understanding in your subsequent marriage, you and your companion need to learn how to discuss problems. It is worth talking about this before you go to the registry office. Also, if you understand that it is difficult for you to cope with emotions, it is worth visiting a therapist.
If in a past relationship there was codependency when a partner demanded something from you contrary to your interests, and you did it to feel loved, think about what boundaries you want to set in your current relationship. For example, you felt offended that your ex reads your correspondence and then comments on them and makes scenes of jealousy for no reason. You understand that you do not want to allow the same attitude towards yourself in a new relationship.
After thinking about all the boundaries, you want to set in your new marriage, discuss them with your partner. It’s important to come to a compromise and talk about it before entering a formal relationship if you haven’t discussed it before.
How will you prioritize your future marriage?
While any relationship should be a priority, you may face new challenges in your next marriage. Think about how you will prioritize before agreeing to marry again.
For starters, make sure you and your partner find time to be alone, even if it’s only half an hour at the end of the day. Chat with each other often and discuss any problems and any improvements you can make. Plan regular dates and try new things together. It will relieve boredom in a relationship and bring you closer together.
Of course, it is sometimes necessary to spend time apart. Personal space and time for your interests are important for relationships; therefore, they should be planned.
How will you communicate with your partner?
The way you communicate can strengthen or destroy a relationship. Along with trust, good communication is a key factor in the success of a new marriage.
It would be best if you learned to listen to your partner – maintain eye contact, show empathy. It’s important not to be afraid to talk openly about any concerns. And also, put your smartphones away when you’re chatting. Reluctance to tear yourself away from gadgets is one of the most common problems in a relationship today. And here’s how you can solve it. Agree; it’s unpleasant when you tell your partner something while he is scrolling through the feed of social networks.
Think about whether you are ready to support another person, to solve problems with him. Having gone through a divorce, we often need support so much that we cannot give it to a new partner. In this case, you must first understand the reasons for this vulnerability, and only then get married. Because in a healthy relationship, it cannot be that one is always trying for the other without getting the same attitude in return.
Are you ready for remarriage?
You may not be sure if you are ready to start a new family. Here are some signs that it is too early to get married again:
- you still do not exclude that you and your ex-spouse will get along;
- your values and goals in life with your new partner are very different;
- you feel comfortable free, and from the thought of an official relationship comes a feeling of regret that you will lose it;
- you are not sure if your new partner treats your children well.
To build new relationships, you need to be sure that you have let go of old ones and are ready to change. If so far something bothers you; it is better not to commit rash acts.
What are your roles in communicating with each other’s children?
If you have children, their relationship with your husband-to-be must go well. Otherwise, this is a serious reason why remarriages do not work out.
Before you get married again, you will need to make a solid plan with your partner about your roles in your relationship with your children. You need to answer yourself the questions: how does the new partner feel that you will communicate with your ex-husband who visits the children? How do you feel about his communication with his ex-wife if they have children? Do you agree with the financial aspects of having children from past marriages? Do your views on parenting coincide?
You will need to think through all the possible scenarios when it comes to a new family. It is also worth discussing with your partner whether you are both willing to make an effort to make the marriage strong and comfortable for yourself and your children.
Do you share the same values?
When creating a new family, those who have experienced a rather painful divorce or negativity in past relationships experience harder problems.
Before you get married again, make sure you and your partner share the same values regarding commitment, trust, conflict, lifestyle, and future goals. If you have kids, it’s also helpful to be on the same page with parenting styles. It is worth postponing the marriage if you have disagreements: first, you need to compromise and then plan your family life.