Forgiveness: Getting go without forgetting

Any conflict or quarrel can be settled if one of the parties renounces the claims and forgives the offender. It sounds reasonable and straightforward, at least in theory. It takes a minute: you find the magic switch, pull the switch, and change your emotional state. In reality, it always turns into a challenge where you’re looking for a compromise with yourself.

Internal disputes can last for years, but they will never lead to anything. Why does this happen, and what prevents us from forgiving and being forgiven? Self-love, maybe a misunderstanding or something more complicated? All of them together, but the primary reason lies in a misunderstanding of the very nature of forgiveness.

Two types of forgiveness

Forgiveness can be divided into two categories. The first is the rejection of the idea of revenge, which usually happens easily. It should take some time, then you stop sticking needles in the voodoo doll. Resentment wears off, more entertaining things appear, and personal interests and everyday tasks take over. You don’t feel like taking revenge, or even waiting for a chance to gloat.

It becomes all the same. In this case, the abuser is deleted from life or remains in the contact list, although the relationship is being reviewed. Visit. A F R I N I K . C O M . For the full article. Simply put, you no longer wish a person a well-deserved reckoning, but you won’t let them get as close as you used to.

The second type of forgiveness is a return to a pre—conflict level of relationship, as if nothing had happened. This is already much more difficult, if only because some things cannot be forgiven in principle (at least not in full). It looks like a weigh-in. The advantages and former merits of the offender are recalled; they are contrasted not only with the current quarrel but also with all previous disappointments. The overall result is summed up: “mene, mene, tekel, Fares” — “weighed, measured and found too light.”

A blow to pride

Forgiving an offense, a person always transcends their pride and sense of dignity. Especially when the relationship is not completely broken. Every day or periodically, we see this person, we know and remember what he did, but we force ourselves not to think about it. Meanwhile, we receive no tangible compensation for our efforts, and sometimes, violence against ourselves.

Of course, there are endless philosophical and religious reflections on the benefits of forgiveness for the soul, mind, and future. They are not devoid of logic, but the incentive prizes offered are the last thing you will think about when faced with an unpleasant situation here, in reality, in the present moment. Everything eternal has a very conditional value for a person living his only life.

The process of forgiveness can be significantly accelerated when material benefits are visible ahead. Useless people who have committed an evil deed are expunged without the right to appeal the verdict. If a person is included in the plans in advance and for a long time, the chances of staying in the inner circle increase. Especially if he takes steps towards you, on the other hand, such forgiveness is a bribe, a bribe of sincerity, which ultimately also hurts pride. After all, you still understand why you forgive some people, but resolutely reject others for even lesser offenses.

Remaining memories

Of course, this is the main reason that prevents full forgiveness. If the offense is serious, then it won’t be the same as it was. Some things cannot be glued or repaired. But you can practice self-deception, believe that everything is in the past, turn the page, and move on. You’ll get over it for a while, but sooner or later, the memories will come back. Probably completely unexpected. A quarrel will generate a certain number of triggers that cannot be avoided forever.

It’s about words, things, images. One way or another, if not forbidden, then undesirable topics will appear. If you drink too much or face emotional instability, you will give free rein to an unsatisfied desire for revenge. Remind me, tell me, and blame me. Then, the next day will come, and the feeling of regret will come. It seemed that the man deserved a reproach, but it didn’t get any easier. On the contrary, now you have to forgive again, step over yourself again, and try to forget.

Those who do not deserve to be forgiven

Some, and maybe many, of the people around us don’t appreciate forgiveness. Most often, it’s from a lack of understanding of what they’ve done. From the outside, it may seem that you made up a story, appointed heroes and villains, and then began to play the role of a victim. Thus, your mental anguish is devalued, perhaps even ridiculed. All arguments are smashed against the wall of the most original sayings, like “They carry water for the offended.”

This phrase, uttered in all seriousness, can be safely considered a signal that a person does not need, therefore, he does not deserve forgiveness. You must have a question: Does forgiveness not exist? It is there: family relationships can persist after cheating, friendship can become even stronger even after a fight. It’s just that a positive effect requires mutual movement towards each other, where one person wants to forgive, and the other admits guilt. A quarrel or an insult can be considered settled after it becomes a reason for jokes, during which both sides feel pretty comfortable.