Kenya is a beautiful and incredible place. As the country is teeming with lions, monkeys, and giraffes, you might think it is nothing more than a nature reserve for foreign tourists.
Today I will take you to Kenya’s strange side, where misogynist monkeys reign supreme and do incalculable things.
Clear your throat and get ready for the craziest safari you didn’t know. If it’s funny or in bad taste, I’ll definitely write it. I can even add something serious. Just have fun!
Top 5 facts about Kenya you didn’t know
1. Lions “learn how to be gay”
Africans are highly religious, and in most African countries, homosexuality is punishable by death. Although Kenya is not one of them, sodomy of any kind lasts 14 years, and helping a brother with a fast on the wrist could make you jingle for half a decade.
Naturally, the news that the king of the jungle is not opposed to butt pleasure has become a shock to some morally concerned people in Kenya. Blaming possible possession by gay demons, Ezekial Mutua of the Kenya Film Classification Board said: “These animals need advice because the gays have probably influenced them in the park. They must have copied it somewhere, otherwise, it’s demonic. Because these animals don’t watch films.”
Coming on the heels of his slightly disturbing interest in how lions fare, Mutua said: “Isolate the crazy gay animals. Two male lions cannot procreate, and therefore we will lose the lion species.”
2. Cool drinks without a fridge
Mainly due to an almost total lack of electricity infrastructure outside the major cities during the country’s modernization period, Kenyans were introduced to a wide range of beverages without the accompanying technology to keep the new wave of terrible American beers cold. Perhaps Kenyans have discovered a way to make Budweiser or Coors tasty at room temperature.
Who can tell? We know for a fact that all your favorite drinks are available in Kenya, only at 25 degrees Celsius (77 °F) in the store. In a way, with locally made clay pot, you will probably drink chill beers. On the other hand, the possibility of consuming warm Czech pilsner is discouraging.
3. Different version of bullfight
In Kenya, things are a little different. Here the Idakho and Isukha communities meet once a month for a real bullfight. Bull against bull—horns to horn.
Bulls are bred solely for fighting, they are heavily intoxicated and protected against possible interference from witches. The bulls are then allowed to fight each other, bets are made, beer is rubbed, and everyone has a good time.
4. Monkey caused national power outage
Think we were joking about the meager power grid in Kenya? Well, in 2016, a monkey fell from the roof onto a transformer. The resulting power outage lasted four hours and wholly marred the country.
Kenya relies on five large stations on the Tana River to provide most of its electricity. As we have seen in this case, the disruption of one station can cause serious distribution problems.
Despite the electric fences, intrepid animals that may or may not be trying to conquer humanity can and will turn off the lights for the entire nation. What plans these possibly oppressive primates have, we may never know. Is this a declaration of monkey war that we just can’t understand? Anyway, this terrorist monkey survived and apparently escaped death by firing squad.
5. Monkeys become misogynists
In fact, animal terrorism is a major problem in Kenya. In 2007, up to 300 monkeys made terrifying incursions into the village of Nachu. Not only were these chimpanzees eating all the villagers’ food, but it soon became apparent that these monkeys were also misogynous.
“The monkeys cling to their chests and gesticulate towards us, pointing to their private parts. We are afraid that they are sexually harassing us,” said one villager.
Although their women disguised themselves as men, the village women could not deceive the hairy intruders, who simply threw stones and chased the women away.