Why aren’t you married? How to tackle the question
Rarely, at a specific time, which of us was not asked the question: “Well, when will you get married (will you marry)?” Omitting the topic of incivility and violation of borders by this question, I will say that this question in youth infuriated anyone every time it arises. What can you answer to the person?
Tired of answering, I just sighed heavily. Of course, everyone interpreted my sigh in their way, and that was their answer.
Such a question implies the opinion that everything should be in marriage. And if you are outside of it, then something is wrong with you. This was especially true for women. Whether you want to get married or not, this is not considered at all. Many people are still firmly convinced that “all women want to get married.” Exactly, not all. Some women consciously choose freedom from the “marriage bond.”
Indeed, why does it happen: an accomplished woman, clever and beautiful, “everything is with her” – but there is no family? This is precisely the option when she wants to start a family.
In reality, there can be as many answers to this question as there are women. Each has her reasons. But there are common pain points that are closely related. More precisely, three. I took them out of my practice and shared them with you.
The first reason is when, on an unconscious level, the state of being “married” is considered something dangerous. Quite simply, it’s scary to get married. These fears grow from parenting experiences or their negative experiences of past relationships. Divorce of parents or the death of one of them, family scandals, abuse, humiliation – who willingly will agree to this a second time?
Your negative experience can often be about the fear of rejection when “they don’t love me.” It is excruciating. A woman, fearing that a man will reject her, chooses a way to deny herself—rejection in the form of a ban on marriage to oneself.
Even if outwardly she is looking for a new partner, the fear of going through that pain again will be stronger.
The second pain point looks like a woman’s search not for her husband-partner but also her husband-father. The search for a husband-father is about an unclosed childish conflict with a mother, echoing the Electra complex.
In adulthood, this is how the situation looks when a man leaves for another woman. Here the thought may arise that “I am not necessary, but another woman has become important to his interests and desires. And who will satisfy my wants and needs?”
Then you will have to take care of your interests, to satisfy your desires. Buy diamonds and a car. Take yourself to the sea by yourself, and if “I don’t know how or I don’t want to,” then this is about our children’s part, the inner Child. He does not want to take responsibility for life because this is a lot of an Adult or a Parent.
Ideally, this is about meeting basic needs that an adult should be able to satisfy independently. Any “want” means “I don’t have enough.” And if your unconscious thinks that something is not enough for you, then you cannot get married, there you need to share – with your husband, children. How to share if you don’t have enough? So, first, you need to learn to understand what role (Parent – Adult – Child) I want to get married and learn to cover my basic needs.
The development and change of the script go through psychotherapy, so one cannot do without the help of a psychologist. Yes, and your experience of past relationships must be let go, having previously healed mental wounds.
Well, the third reason is profit. When to be unmarried on an unconscious level is more profitable or more comfortable than being married. The unconscious fear of losing this benefit will keep us from walking down the aisle.
Follow the thought. For example, if I get married, then in marriage, I will not devote time to myself, my development, work, entertainment. This is important to me.
Another similar scheme – if I get married, then I will have the whole life on me. You will have to cook, wash, clean – after all; the house should be clean, comfortable and tasty. But I do not like and do not want to do this. I will be exhausted and feel bad about it.
Someone will say that the presence of assistants decides a lot. But there are also excuses – hiring an au pair is expensive. Or “I’m not worthy of being spent so much on me… I’m not the one for whom you can.” This is about devaluing yourself. “I, as I am, have no value. I only become valuable when I do something useful: wash, clean, cook, etc.”
This is where the values come into play. What is more valuable to you, your personal development or everyday life? Education? Money?
There are values other than everyday life. There are dozens of them, and each has its own: career, children, freedom, spirituality and much more.
When we go into marriage without knowing our values, our partners and we have nothing to offer. So relationships will be built vertically, Parent-Child, where the Child is a consumer, he only has “I need it, give me.”
Normal strong relationships are built horizontally Adult-Adult, where the Adult understands what he has of values and what he is ready to share with another adult.
Our unconscious is arranged not to let us go where it will be wrong; therefore, it does not choose marriage. It determines for us only what is “good,” in its opinion. This is essential for survival. So why does the body need to spend extra strength? And it turns on the power-saving mode.
If our idea of marriage sounds like “I have to behave there somehow that I don’t like,” then we definitely will not get there.
When a heart is willing to do, there are thousands of ways, but there are thousands of excuses when the heart is not willing to help. When a person does not want to get married, there are a thousand excuses for external reasons.
Of course, these examples may not apply to you in any way. So then ask yourself the question, how is my current position beneficial to me?